Saturday, March 20, 2010

Times they are a changin'...

It wouldn't be such a bad thing if I didn't despise change so much.
But I do.

But in this case I can honestly say that I'm scared.

We're faced again with the need to move.
At least we're 99% sure we have to move.

Many months ago we started receiving mail at our house addressed to the landlord. You could tell by the return address on the envelopes/postcards that it was mail pertaining to bankruptcy. One day an envelope came to the house addressed to Kent, and one from the same company addressed to the the landlord.

Kent opened it and it was a flyer advertising a business that can help with bankruptcy and foreclosure. I called the landlord and (eventually) he called back and told Kent that nothing was going on.

Then one day someone posted an auction notice on the tree out front. And another day someone taped a note to the door asking the occupant to contact the new "owners". All the while our landlord is telling Kent that this is all just the procedure he has to go through in order to qualify for a lower mortgage rate. Kent accepted all of this at facevalue because it's what we were told when we were going through the problems with our mortgage company.

And each month the "new owner" company would call Kent to see if he'd heard anything from the landlord because, according to policy, he had six months to buy back the sale.

Last month the six months was up.
So I sent a letter with my rent payment saying that this was the last payment, yada yada yada, and the man never wrote back.

And so here we are waiting to receive some kind of notice about when we have to vacate. And really, if. Because there's always the possibility that we wouldn't.

Because in today's market who is going to buy this place?

But there are people out there who are buying houses, fixing them up, yadayadayada. But we don't know.

We just don't know.

And it's freaking me out.

My heart is doing crazy things.
My tummy's doing crazy things.
I can't sleep.
Can't eat right.
Can't focus.
Can't remember.

All I know is that I feel like a failure and that my family would be better off without me.

And I feel frantic to find a better place for my son to live.

Because in my mind if we have to move, then it better be for something better.

But I'm afraid that I'm going to pass up something that's "okay" for the hope of "something better" and then in the end wind up having to settle for "liveable."

It's so frightening.

And on top of that, I get this letter from the dentist saying I owe almost $800 from 2008. I never got a bill!!

This is all just too much.

I want to cry.
I want to cry.

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