Monday, April 20, 2009
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Bitterness
Bitterness is a tough pill to swallow.
But it's difficult to know the line between bitterness and jealousy...it's so fine at times.
But I see others spending money left and right, and I feel bitterness.
Towards what, or whom, I do not know.
So perhaps it is jealousy.
Jealousy that we still struggle financially.
That we can't pull together enough money for a downpayment on this house. And bitterness that our credit is so bad that we can't get a normal mortgage.
Yeah...that's not anyone's fault, but I still feel this edge of bitterness deep in my throat.
Sometimes it rears its ugly head and I feel...exhausted.
But it's difficult to know the line between bitterness and jealousy...it's so fine at times.
But I see others spending money left and right, and I feel bitterness.
Towards what, or whom, I do not know.
So perhaps it is jealousy.
Jealousy that we still struggle financially.
That we can't pull together enough money for a downpayment on this house. And bitterness that our credit is so bad that we can't get a normal mortgage.
Yeah...that's not anyone's fault, but I still feel this edge of bitterness deep in my throat.
Sometimes it rears its ugly head and I feel...exhausted.
Friday, April 10, 2009
Fishin' at the Pond
April 2, 2009
It was a perfect afternoon, and I'm so glad I did it!
I took the afternoon off to go fishing with George and Kent.
George had been on Spring Break all week, at home with Kent, so pretty much spending all his time alone. And Kent promised to take him fishing one day.
I met them at Burger King for lunch, then we headed to the Rearing Ponds. I'd hoped for solace and privacy and quiet. But so did a bunch of other people because there were tons of people around.
Still, it was a perfect day, and George had a lot of fun.
He caught 4 tiny fish, and his friend Chase was there with his family, too.
Tomorrow, April 11, George's friend Andrew is having a birthday party at the Rearing Ponds. I hope it's not too cold.
Intuition
I have pretty good intuition, I think. Which is why it surprises me when I don't follow my own intuition.
George went home with a friend after school yesterday. Rode the bus home and everything.
I was on my way home when they called to see if he could stay longer. We negotiated a bit, and decided I'd pick him up at 7:30. I was concerned about getting him home in time to do his homework.
But then I remembered that they don't have school today.
I take Maggie and drive over to Jon's, where they ask if George can spend the night. So I go home to pick up his pajamas. While I'm there I get this feeling like I should take him a bottle of water.
But I don't.
Because I don't have a bottle for Jon. And I don't want to offend Carrie, Jon's mom.
And so, I give George his jammies and he asks me if I'll go home and get him a drink.
I should know better than not to listen to my instincts!!
On another note, I wish kids wanted to play at our house. Unfortunately, with Kent's work and sleep schedule it's really difficult to have kids over. Kent only has Sunday night and Monday night off. .... It was a problem with Vanessa, too, but we worked it out. But I can't quite remember how.
Of course girls were a lot more quiet than boys!
George went home with a friend after school yesterday. Rode the bus home and everything.
I was on my way home when they called to see if he could stay longer. We negotiated a bit, and decided I'd pick him up at 7:30. I was concerned about getting him home in time to do his homework.
But then I remembered that they don't have school today.
I take Maggie and drive over to Jon's, where they ask if George can spend the night. So I go home to pick up his pajamas. While I'm there I get this feeling like I should take him a bottle of water.
But I don't.
Because I don't have a bottle for Jon. And I don't want to offend Carrie, Jon's mom.
And so, I give George his jammies and he asks me if I'll go home and get him a drink.
I should know better than not to listen to my instincts!!
On another note, I wish kids wanted to play at our house. Unfortunately, with Kent's work and sleep schedule it's really difficult to have kids over. Kent only has Sunday night and Monday night off. .... It was a problem with Vanessa, too, but we worked it out. But I can't quite remember how.
Of course girls were a lot more quiet than boys!
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
The Morning Routine
I'm still trying to get George broken from sleeping with me. It's not working too well. I can sit with him 'til he falls asleep and then in an hour or two or three he's awake and slipping into my room.
Secretly, I feel safer having him near me. I felt that way with Vanessa, too.
Lately, George is not going to bed as he ought. So he's losing a solid hour or so of sleep each night. First it was because spring break was coming, now it's because he's getting back into the swing of things with spring break being over.
So, the alarm goes off. I hit snooze.
4 or 5 times!
Eventually Kent comes home from work and calls me. This is the real alarm. Definitely time to get up!
I get up. He gets up. I go potty. He goes downstairs and covers up on the couch.
Kent warms George's clothes in the dryer.
I go downstairs and start looking for something to wear.
I have nothing to wear.
George's turn to get dressed.
His pants don't fit.
But I know it's only the beginning so I either (1) get in the shower or (2) head upstairs to go to the bathroom or find something to wear or (3) decide to treat myself to a few moments of blog time.
And the list of injustices continue:
His shirt doesn't fit.
The dog won't leave him alone.
He's hungry.
He doesn't like to eat that any more.
His socks don't match.
They're too small.
His shoes are too lose.
He doesn't want to wear those shoes.
He brushed his teeth last night, why does he need to do it again?
He's hungry.
He doesn't like that kind of food.
His tummy hurts.
His shirt feels funny.
He doesn't know where his library book is.
Where did he leave his gloves?
He doesn't need his boots.
Uh uh! There's not that much snow out there.
And I listen to this with a small smile on my face: Kent deserves to deal with this.
It's his turn.
I did it for years.
Well, time for the shower.
I still don't have anything to wear.
And those shoes hurt my feet.
That shirt doesn't look right.
I wore that last week.
Maggie, dog, leave me alone.
Get out of my room!
What are you eating!!????
Secretly, I feel safer having him near me. I felt that way with Vanessa, too.
Lately, George is not going to bed as he ought. So he's losing a solid hour or so of sleep each night. First it was because spring break was coming, now it's because he's getting back into the swing of things with spring break being over.
So, the alarm goes off. I hit snooze.
4 or 5 times!
Eventually Kent comes home from work and calls me. This is the real alarm. Definitely time to get up!
I get up. He gets up. I go potty. He goes downstairs and covers up on the couch.
Kent warms George's clothes in the dryer.
I go downstairs and start looking for something to wear.
I have nothing to wear.
George's turn to get dressed.
His pants don't fit.
But I know it's only the beginning so I either (1) get in the shower or (2) head upstairs to go to the bathroom or find something to wear or (3) decide to treat myself to a few moments of blog time.
And the list of injustices continue:
His shirt doesn't fit.
The dog won't leave him alone.
He's hungry.
He doesn't like to eat that any more.
His socks don't match.
They're too small.
His shoes are too lose.
He doesn't want to wear those shoes.
He brushed his teeth last night, why does he need to do it again?
He's hungry.
He doesn't like that kind of food.
His tummy hurts.
His shirt feels funny.
He doesn't know where his library book is.
Where did he leave his gloves?
He doesn't need his boots.
Uh uh! There's not that much snow out there.
And I listen to this with a small smile on my face: Kent deserves to deal with this.
It's his turn.
I did it for years.
Well, time for the shower.
I still don't have anything to wear.
And those shoes hurt my feet.
That shirt doesn't look right.
I wore that last week.
Maggie, dog, leave me alone.
Get out of my room!
What are you eating!!????
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
And then there was green....
Here it was, April 5. Two days after my 16-year anniversary. And the weather forecast mentioned snow.
I didn't give it much thought. A dusting, I figured, would be great. It would hide the dead leaves from last year that we never got all the way raked up.
But, once again, God had his humor all ready for me. Because when I woke up on Monday morning He'd left a beautiful scene outside my door: almost 7 inches of snow.
The heaviest snow ever.
I could barely shovel. In fact, I was able to lift only half a shovelful at a time.
By the time I got a path to the the truck, and then the truck itself uncovered I was NOT happy with my husband. I was exhausted!
The afternoon sun melted about half of the snow, even though temperatures remained around 34 degrees. The same happened this afternoon.
On the way home this evening, you could see patches where the snow had melted away. And guess what?
The grass is suddenly green!
Just like that!
It went to bed ugly and brown and dead.
And woke today beautiful and full of promise.
Remind me of this in two months when I'm complaining about having to mow the grass, okay?
I didn't give it much thought. A dusting, I figured, would be great. It would hide the dead leaves from last year that we never got all the way raked up.
But, once again, God had his humor all ready for me. Because when I woke up on Monday morning He'd left a beautiful scene outside my door: almost 7 inches of snow.
The heaviest snow ever.
I could barely shovel. In fact, I was able to lift only half a shovelful at a time.
By the time I got a path to the the truck, and then the truck itself uncovered I was NOT happy with my husband. I was exhausted!
The afternoon sun melted about half of the snow, even though temperatures remained around 34 degrees. The same happened this afternoon.
On the way home this evening, you could see patches where the snow had melted away. And guess what?
The grass is suddenly green!
Just like that!
It went to bed ugly and brown and dead.
And woke today beautiful and full of promise.
Remind me of this in two months when I'm complaining about having to mow the grass, okay?
The American President
1995-Annette Benning, Michael Douglas
There's one part of this movie that I have a huge problem with. Annette Benning's character is invited to the White House for "meatloaf night". When Annette arrives, first-daughter, Lucy greets her saying that her father told gave her instructions to tell Sydney that he's on the phone with his dentist.
Sydney responds, "So your father's on the phone with his dentist?"
"No," Lucy says. "He told me to tell you he's on the phone with his dentist. He wants you to think he's a regular guy."
"Well, who is he on the phone with?" questions Sydney.
"The Prime Minister of Israel."
"Oh. They're probably not discussing his teeth."
"I hope not!" laughs Lucy.
This WOULD NOT HAPPEN. Not even if you were on a first date with some joe-schmoe.
Let's review that Sydney is dating the most powerful man in the country. In the world. Do the writers honestly believe that she's going to ask who the President of the United States is talking to?? I don't think so!!!
Another scene that bothers me is the billiard scene where Andrew Shepherd, president, tells his chief of staff, played by the wonderful Martin Sheen, that, when they're alone that Martin's character can call the president "Andy".
This bugs me because he's in his THIRD YEAR as president. Like this subject wouldn't have come up before now!! Sheesh!!
There's one part of this movie that I have a huge problem with. Annette Benning's character is invited to the White House for "meatloaf night". When Annette arrives, first-daughter, Lucy greets her saying that her father told gave her instructions to tell Sydney that he's on the phone with his dentist.
Sydney responds, "So your father's on the phone with his dentist?"
"No," Lucy says. "He told me to tell you he's on the phone with his dentist. He wants you to think he's a regular guy."
"Well, who is he on the phone with?" questions Sydney.
"The Prime Minister of Israel."
"Oh. They're probably not discussing his teeth."
"I hope not!" laughs Lucy.
This WOULD NOT HAPPEN. Not even if you were on a first date with some joe-schmoe.
Let's review that Sydney is dating the most powerful man in the country. In the world. Do the writers honestly believe that she's going to ask who the President of the United States is talking to?? I don't think so!!!
Another scene that bothers me is the billiard scene where Andrew Shepherd, president, tells his chief of staff, played by the wonderful Martin Sheen, that, when they're alone that Martin's character can call the president "Andy".
This bugs me because he's in his THIRD YEAR as president. Like this subject wouldn't have come up before now!! Sheesh!!
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Open Arms - by Journey
This is it! Finally.
"So now, I'll come to you with open arms.
Nothing to hide, I mean what I say.
So here I am with open arms.
Hoping you'll see, what your love means to me.
Open Arms"
"Living without you, living alone.
This empty house seems so cold.
...Wanting you near. How much I want to bring you home.
But now that you've come back, turned night into day,
I need you to stay."
I'm transferred back in time. Again, in love with Jimmy Keeton. A young girl--maybe in 7th grade. Or 8th. Junior High anyway. And in my mind I can see myself sitting at the table in the cafeteria with a group of friends and we're all talking about the best records. And someone mentions the album from Journey. On cassette.
And I realize that I can OWN the song that keeps playing in my mind.
Then I'm transferred to years and years later when I open the wallet I used in my youth. I'm an adult now. With a child. And there, stuck in a memo pad is a little note written to me from Jimmy. And I treasure it so much.
"So now, I'll come to you with open arms.
Nothing to hide, I mean what I say.
So here I am with open arms.
Hoping you'll see, what your love means to me.
Open Arms"
"Living without you, living alone.
This empty house seems so cold.
...Wanting you near. How much I want to bring you home.
But now that you've come back, turned night into day,
I need you to stay."
I'm transferred back in time. Again, in love with Jimmy Keeton. A young girl--maybe in 7th grade. Or 8th. Junior High anyway. And in my mind I can see myself sitting at the table in the cafeteria with a group of friends and we're all talking about the best records. And someone mentions the album from Journey. On cassette.
And I realize that I can OWN the song that keeps playing in my mind.
Then I'm transferred to years and years later when I open the wallet I used in my youth. I'm an adult now. With a child. And there, stuck in a memo pad is a little note written to me from Jimmy. And I treasure it so much.
The Wedding Song
The Wedding Song
by Paul someone
"He is now to be among you, at the calling of your heart.
The union of your spirits here have caused Him to remain.
For whenever two or more of you are gathered in His name,
There is Love...."
"Well a man shall leave his mother, and a woman leave her home....
As it was in the beginning is now until the end. Woman draws her life from man, then gives it back again.
There is love."
"Well then what's to be the reason for becoming man and wife?
Is it love that brings you here, or love that brings you life?
Well, if loving is the answer, then who's the giving for?
Do you believe in something that you've never seen before? Oh, there's love!"
My sister had this song sung at her wedding. So pretty. So touching. So sad in a way. So true.
She asked me to sing it, but I didn't have the confidence to do it. It's my one regret in life.
by Paul someone
"He is now to be among you, at the calling of your heart.
The union of your spirits here have caused Him to remain.
For whenever two or more of you are gathered in His name,
There is Love...."
"Well a man shall leave his mother, and a woman leave her home....
As it was in the beginning is now until the end. Woman draws her life from man, then gives it back again.
There is love."
"Well then what's to be the reason for becoming man and wife?
Is it love that brings you here, or love that brings you life?
Well, if loving is the answer, then who's the giving for?
Do you believe in something that you've never seen before? Oh, there's love!"
My sister had this song sung at her wedding. So pretty. So touching. So sad in a way. So true.
She asked me to sing it, but I didn't have the confidence to do it. It's my one regret in life.
Stuck on You
Stuck on You
by The Commodores
Here I am, settling into bed for the night and doing a little bit of work before shut-eye.
And the first strands of Stuck On You begins to play. (I can name that tune in 5 notes...)
And swish, I begin to fall.
Softly at first, then more swiftly.
Back to the 80's.
Back to 1985 to be exact.
And in my mind I can see James Staton sitting on my sister's couch, in her apartment, looking at pictures of my youth. Ronnie and Vickie are there. But I'm not. I'm in Kentucky, if my memory serves me correctly.
The reason I can see this is because somewhere I have a picture of that exact moment. And on the record player, Joe is playing The Commodores and James likes this song. Probably the first time he's heard it.
And this song brings these feelings that I can't quite put into words.
It's not bittersweet.
It's sweet.
I guess.
Because that was before the problems started.
That was early on in the relationship.
And it's good to know that there were good moments. Sweet moments.
And sweet memories.
Even though the bad memories are pretty much gone for me. I've moved on.
I have Kent. And he's amazing.
by The Commodores
Here I am, settling into bed for the night and doing a little bit of work before shut-eye.
And the first strands of Stuck On You begins to play. (I can name that tune in 5 notes...)
And swish, I begin to fall.
Softly at first, then more swiftly.
Back to the 80's.
Back to 1985 to be exact.
And in my mind I can see James Staton sitting on my sister's couch, in her apartment, looking at pictures of my youth. Ronnie and Vickie are there. But I'm not. I'm in Kentucky, if my memory serves me correctly.
The reason I can see this is because somewhere I have a picture of that exact moment. And on the record player, Joe is playing The Commodores and James likes this song. Probably the first time he's heard it.
And this song brings these feelings that I can't quite put into words.
It's not bittersweet.
It's sweet.
I guess.
Because that was before the problems started.
That was early on in the relationship.
And it's good to know that there were good moments. Sweet moments.
And sweet memories.
Even though the bad memories are pretty much gone for me. I've moved on.
I have Kent. And he's amazing.
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